5 Things Every Christian Struggling With Same-Sex Attraction Should Know
My decision to leave the gay community was not really affected by the church, since I hadn’t been in one for years. However, once that decision was made, the church where I sought to rebuild my relationship with the Lord played a huge role in my following through on that decision. The believers in that fellowship gave me the spiritual support I needed as I learned how to develop and maintain non-sexual relationships with men and to relate in a meaningful way to women. I know God provided these people in my life because I sincerely doubt I could have moved out of the gay community without a welcoming church family to hold me in its embrace. Actually, I learned early on that the depth of relationship I could attain with individuals in the church was greater than anything I had known in my gay relationships, even the longer-term ones. They all seemed to come with an implied expiration date. On the other hand, some of the first Christians who befriended me are still my best friends after 25 years.
Q: You met your wife, Audrey, in a Bible study group. What attracted you to her and what changed your relationship after you got married?
In my late teens, I was looking for acceptance and relationships. I had not been successful in developing lasting homosexual connections, so I was looking anywhere to get my emotional needs met. When the opportunity to join this home Bible study group came along, I took advantage of it. It offered much of what I was looking for. I saw Audrey as a beautiful person, both physically and spiritually. She was a young woman with real depth of personality and strength of character. I soon came to admire and respect her. Before very long, I came to love her intensely. As a godly Christian woman, she was not looking for a sexual aspect of our relationship to develop. I was insecure when even contemplating the idea of sex with a woman. Consequently, we suited each other very well.
I believe two main factors had a negative impact on our relationship. Firstly, my career became my No. 1 priority. I neglected my relationship with God and soon thereafter my relationship with Audrey. The less time I spent with Audrey, the less appealing she seemed. We were also young parents at the time, and while I loved little Sean, I preferred to avoid the aspects of his care that required constant devoted attention. Secondly, I had never faced and dealt properly with my childhood experiences and attractions. They were a secret part of me, and secrets have a way of festering in the dark, neglected parts of our minds. My memories turned into imaginings, and my imaginings became fantasies. When I was introduced to Toronto’s gay scene, all of these were unleashed in a torrent of experimentation and experience. Dear Audrey didn’t stand a chance!
Q: What advice would you give to someone struggling with homosexual temptations?
First of all, “the struggling” thing is really important. Lots of LGBTQ people are perfectly happy where they are and defend their lifestyle choices loudly and proudly. There’s no struggle for them. I know about this, as do other people I mentioned in the book. I felt this way myself for years.
However, eventually for some of us, a struggle begins. It may be self-driven, perhaps a longing for an earlier identity we have abandoned. It may be socially driven, perhaps a desire to fit into a different group where social needs are met without sexual expectations. It may be Spirit-driven; perhaps God is behind the struggle. It may be any combination of these factors. The point of all this is that at some point, a real struggle begins.
If you are struggling with temptations regarding homosexuality and you want out, I’m here to tell you there is hope. You’ll hear a lot of voices these days tell you sexuality is fluid and can be changed. Other voices tell you sexuality is fixed and cannot be changed. Still other voices will say you can only change in one direction but not the other. It certainly is confusing. My experience is that meaningful change can be experienced, so don’t give up!
Add to the issue of orientation the idea of sexual addiction, which can crop up in anyone, and things get even more complicated. Sexual addiction is the strongest of all addictions, and it seems impossible. Often people make attempts to change on their own and are met with defeat. My advice, to begin, is to cry out to God, the giver of life. However, as in my case, you’ll probably discover God uses people to help you. Counselors, pastors, friends and family are all resources God uses in our lives. Sometimes God does truly miraculous things, but that doesn’t mean we can just pray something like, “God, deliver me!” and then carry on until a thunderbolt strikes from the blue. Take positive steps of your own as well. The book tells about the things I did that helped me, things such as getting into a program, purging physical triggers from my home and establishing non-sexualized relationships.
Q: What would you say to the individual who is as immersed in the gay culture and lifestyle as you were and who wants to get out? What resources are available to him or her?
I would say a few things.
- Cry out to God and ask for forgiveness and deliverance.
- Seek out a few Christians who will support you (ideally an understanding church).
- Seek a ministry that can help you develop the identity you long for and deal with the issues, whether issues of the past (such as childhood molestation) or of the present (sexual addiction and so on).
- Take time to grow in your relationship with Jesus Christ. This is most important!
- Share your story only with a few you can trust, until you are strong enough to come out to the world. {eoa}
Learn more about Out and Bob Fife at bobsexperience.com or kregel.com.
