39 Reasons I’m a Liberal Secularist (Not Really)
This has been a tough year for those who identify with the party of socialism, surrender and the sexual revolution. Next year will be even tougher.
As a service to Democratic voters, I offer a handy guide for explaining to their families, friends and parole officers why they’re an enabler of the party bent on destroying America—the party of Barack and Hillary, Nancy and Harry, Bernie and Bubba:
1. I’m a Democrat because I understand that guns cause crime and criminals are misunderstood.
2. I’m a Democrat because gun control works. Homicidal maniacs and hardened criminals may regularly violate the laws of God and man, but gun laws they always obey.
3. I’m a Democrat because if you have a successful business, you didn’t build that. Politicians, bureaucrats and welfare mooches are responsible for your success. Besides, even if they didn’t build it, they’re going to take it away from those who did.
4. I’m a Democrat because of my keen sense of history, from which I learn that America was founded on the principle of “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.”
5. I’m a Democrat because government has an unparalleled record of job creation. Who better to generate jobs than people with absolutely no experience in the business world?
6. I’m a Democrat because my party cares about the middle class. Even though seven of the 10 wealthiest members of the Senate are Democrats (including Dianne Feinstein, with a net worth of $77 million)—even though Hillary and her husband hauled in $25 million in “speaking fees” in 18 months—Democratic politicians haven’t lost their common touch.
7. I’m a Democrat because they care so much about black people that they want them to have more leisure time, which is why they let millions of illegal aliens in annually to take their jobs. This compliments their success in destroying the black family, starting with the War on Poverty.
8. I’m a Democrat because I identify with Black Lives Matter—and the movement’s incitement has nothing to do with the 24 police officers murdered execution-style so far this year.
9. I’m a Democrat because I think taxes are too low, regulations are too few and not enough power is centered in Washington, D.C.
10. I’m a Democrat because Global Warming is more of a threat to our security than terrorism. The president should negotiate a deal with the ozone layer.
11. I’m a Democrat because conservative Christians are more of a threat than radical Muslims. I’m sick and tired of seeing videos of Baptist preachers beheading hostages.
12. I’m a Democrat because I believe the best way to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons is to lift sanctions, release $150 billion in formerly frozen assets and allow Tehran to inspect its own nuclear sites.
13. I’m a Democrat because I believe Iran’s rulers are trustworthy but Benjamin Netanyahu is not to be trusted.
14. I’m a Democrat because I agree that promoting gay rights overseas is a foreign-policy priority – except in Muslim countries, where it’s not to be mentioned.
15. I’m a Democrat because, in place of democracy, I believe in government by executive order, stealth, buying pigs in pokes (We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it.) and renaming treaties “deals” to avoid Senate ratification.
16. I’m a Democrat because appeasing the gay lobby is far more important than protecting the First Amendment rights of Christians.
17. I’m a Democrat because Democrats understand that the essence of personal liberty is the ability of a man who feels like a woman having access to the ladies’ room.
18. I’m a Democrat because I believe in free speech – except for hate-crimes laws, campus speech codes and using the IRS to target conservative groups.
19. I’m a Democrat because we need partial-birth abortions and selling the body parts of aborted babies to assure women’s access to quality health care.
20. I’m a Democrat because Planned Parenthood both needs and deserves taxpayer support. How else can it perform one out of every four abortions in this country – a disproportionate number of them on people of color?
21. I’m a Democrat because ObamaCare is the greatest advance in medicine since penicillin. I like the idea of life and death decisions about my health care in the hands of people who would have difficulty spelling penicillin.
22. I’m a Democrat because the desire to control our borders is racist, xenophobic and physically impossible.
23. I’m a Democrat because we can’t possibly deport an estimated 12 million illegal aliens, but collectivizing the health care of 320 million Americans will be a breeze.
24. I’m a Democrat because the idea of an American identity is exclusionary.
25. I’m a Democrat because multiculturalism makes us stronger. Bringing to these shores tens of millions who come from violent, primitive cultures (who refuse to learn our language and know nothing of our history and heritage) creates a beautiful mosaic.
26. I’m a Democrat because it’s the party of an activist judiciary which regularly rewrites the Constitution to make it conform with the editorial pages of The New York Times.
27. I’m a Democrat because of my party’s concern for the family – which begins and ends with gay marriage.
28. I’m a Democrat because I’m impressed with our 2016 bench – a national security risk, a geriatric socialist, who admits he’s a socialist, and – lurking in the background – Veep Verbal Gaffes (“stand up and wave to the crowd, Stephen Hawkin”), who’s spent the past four decades of his life in government.
29. I’m a Democrat because I’m convinced that Islam is the religion of peace and Islamophobia is the biggest threat to the American way of life.
30. I’m a Democrat because Democrats respect women – Democrats like Bill (DNA-stained dress) Clinton, Anthony (Carlos Danger) Weiner, former New York Governor Eliot (Client 9) Spitzer and Al (Crazed-Sex Poodle) Gore.
31. I’m a Democrat because my party’s leaders are known for their honesty and integrity: Bill (I did not have sex with that woman) Clinton, Hillary (none of the e-mails were classified, Benghazi was caused by an Internet video) Clinton and Elizabeth (my conveniently deceased grandmother once told me I was part Native American) Warren
32. I’m a Democrat because I’m tired of making decisions. I want bureaucrats, politicians and judges to make them for me.
33. I’m a Democrat because my party believes in civility in the political debate – as exemplified by Harry Reid (members of the Tea Parties are “anarchists” and “fanatics”), Florida Congressman Alan Grayson (“The Republicans want you to die quickly if you get sick”) and Barack Hussein Obama (opponents of the Iran capitulation are “crazies” who are in league with “radicals” in Iran).
34. I’m a Democrat because we have creative solutions to pressing problems – like tax, tax and spend, spend or spend, spend and tax, tax, or spend, tax and regulate.
35. I’m a Democrat because asking for government-issued identification to board a plane, enter a federal building or buy cigarettes, alcohol and guns makes perfect sense, but asking for any form of ID to vote is racist and a despicable attempt to limit voting by minorities and young people.
36. I’m a Democrat because freedom is sooo boring.
37. I’m a Democrat because it’s easier than thinking.
38. I’m a Democrat because I have a short attention span.
39. I’m a Democrat because…..What was the question again?
This column originally appeared at GrassTopsUSA.com.
