Why It’s OK to Always Struggle With Faith and Doubt

As I write this, I am sitting in my friend’s cabin in the mountains of North Carolina. I came here to get away for a couple of days of prayer and the Bible, and to seek the Lord for the new season that is soon to be upon me.

I am about to begin filming again and, quite frankly, it’s freaking me out a bit. It has been almost two years since I last picked up a camera to film God doing God stuff, so you would think that I’m excited and ready to go for more, right?

Well, not exactly.

It has been almost 10 years since I first picked up a camera to film a man I knew almost nothing about (Bill Johnson) at a Christian retreat center in Wisconsin. I had never filmed anything before this, and truth be told, it took me a few minutes just to figure out how to turn on the camera for the interview.

I also filmed Kris Vallotton at that same retreat center, and if you’re wondering why he never showed up in Finger of God, it’s because I did such a poor job of filming him that the whole interview was simply unusable. I was a nobody with no money, no influence and no reputation, making a movie about miracles I wasn’t sure I even believed in.

I speak in churches and at conferences a lot these days, and one of the things I am quick to tell people is if God can use me, He can use anyone.

Since those humble beginnings I’ve made more movies that have gone on to be seen by millions around the world, and thankfully both I and my crews have gotten a lot better at filmmaking along the way. But when it’s all said and done, the movies I make only work if God moves when the cameras are rolling. That fact makes the whole process both exhilarating and terrifying.

You would think I would have gotten used to it over the years—that witnessing God doing the impossible through my lens time and time again would make me move forward into new projects with confidence and boldness. You would think so.

Instead, as I stare at the prospect of making my first television series (The Jesus Roadshow) and perhaps the biggest movie of my career (the final saga in my God adventure films, called The God Man), I find myself holed up in a cabin in the woods because I’m absolutely terrified of going back out there. What if I can no longer hear the Lord clearly as I seek direction for filming? What if we go to film and our prayer for people goes nowhere?

What if everything we film is simply pedestrian and isn’t up to the expectations people have for what we create? What if, what if, what if …

This may come as a shock to some, but no matter how much you see, experience and do for God, you will always continue to struggle between faith and doubt.

As I’ve said many times, it frustrates me to no end that God has chosen to remain invisible (especially when I’m making movies about Him), and as a result of His invisibility we are often left wondering if He’s actually there or if we’re simply talking to ourselves. We often try to play this off and talk ourselves over the hump, but the struggle is real and it’s not something people talk about very much—probably because of how catastrophic our lives would be if God actually turned out to be a fairy tale.

But today, as I brought my own fears and doubts to the Lord, He very graciously and patiently (He is a good Father, after all) pointed me in the right direction. I was looking out over the mountains and I heard a whisper in my heart that simply said, “Remember.”

I’ve learned enough over the years to act when He speaks, so I grabbed my computer and started to write out all the things He has done to and through me over the last 10 years. How he sent an angel to tell me to make Finger of God, even though I wanted nothing to do with God at the time. How He miraculously turned that film into an underground cultural phenomenon, with no help from me. How He allowed me to film people being healed, delivered and set free. How He’s always shown me the end of my movies as I was filming them. How He did the impossible and got me into the Dome of the Rock. How He did the impossible again by getting me into a Hindu Temple in India. How He protected me from witch doctors and people steeped in the occult. The list continued on and on.

And then He reminded me that this is nothing new. Scripture is riddled with God telling His people to remember the things He has done for them. He had them build monuments to commemorate major events. He created the Passover meal so the Jewish people would never forget how He brought them out of bondage. Over and over again He asks us to remember what He has done.

God knows us better than we know ourselves, and He is very aware of how difficult it is for us to have faith in an invisible Person. It’s why faith is the ultimate currency with Him. He tells us in Hebrews 11:6 that “without faith it is impossible to please God, for he who comes to God must believe that He exists.” Our struggle with His invisibility doesn’t throw Him for a loop. But our faith despite our doubt pleases Him greatly precisely because He knows how hard it is for us.

To that end, He has given us a secret weapon to fend off our doubt and unbelief. Remember. Remember the promises of God. Remember what He has done for you in the past, how He came through for you before. Remember that He is a good Father who doesn’t give his children a stone when they ask for bread.

On Oct. 20, my latest film, Holy Ghost: Reborn, will be released to the world, and with it comes many more amazing moments that God and I filmed together in the past. As much as people come up to me now and tell me all the ways my films have helped change their lives and their perspective of God, these movies will always be a very personal reminder to me that God is good, that God is faithful and that God is my friend.

And heading out to film Him again just got a lot less scary.

You can pre-order Darren’s newest film, Holy Ghost: Reborn.